After discussing with my husband where we are and where we will be going, he said that I should pray to God and ask for forgiveness for getting married for my own reasons, which ultimately was possession and when I woke up this morning, I realized everything that I did in order for us to get married and how I was a big part in it happening. I started talking about marriage early. I didn’t wait for him to get a ring and propose to me like the man is supposed to, he said that we would get married, and that he will marry me, but he never proposed to me. When he said that, I started trying to figure out a date. I tried my best to wait on him to get a divorce and then I tried to put my hand in it to make him get one. He never got through the paperwork for the divorce. He was still married when we got married, so are we really married??? We lied to everybody, nobody at the wedding knew he was still married. I put my hand all in trying to control getting married, and then after it happened I worried about the truth coming out one day. Like his first wife coming back or something. But I was really trying to possess him, I didn’t take the time I needed with God to find me because I was such in a hurry to get MARRIED to somebody because I didn’t think that I would ever get married because no one else would ask me, so I tried to make my own up. Why did I put my hand all in this? I needed to have a break in between this and the overlapping relationship I had before my husband came along. That was hard to deal with—what I did was not fair to myself and it was not fair to my son. I also wanted my husband because I felt he would be a good role model for my son. It was actually one of the strongest points of why I even wanted to be with him. It was not based on any kind of chemistry, but my son did not care so much for him in the beginning. I just really messed my life up trying to control some stuff. My husband has told me that if this is not God’s will than I need to have a talk with my mother, because all of this control that I am trying to do comes from abandonment and me thinking that everybody who is close to me will end up leaving. It is deep inside me. It is a lot to deal with. I probably will have to find a second job if this marriage is not going to continue because I cannot financially take care of my son out here as of right now, but should be once I graduate. I might actually be able to if I get the job I just applied for- because they pay more than what I am currently making. We’ll see what happens, I know God will provide somehow even though I made a big mess of things.

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